Who Drives Your Child to a Place of Calm?

Think about an instance when you had someone drive you to the same location several times.  The trip always felt familiar and it was nice to know that you could sit back and enjoy the ride.  Then one day, the driver invited you to take the wheel for a change - and something strange happened . . . you had absolutely no idea where to go.  Sound familiar?

Now think about you and your child . . . who is in the driver's seat when she becomes overwhelmed, stressed out, angry? If you answered, "you", than you can assume that your child is not clear on where to go when she is trying to get to a place of calm.  Eventually your child may begin to assume that she needs you for directions because you have not shown that you trust her to get herself to the destination safely (self-esteem building opportunity).

Driving directions are similar to the directions located in your brain needed to soothe yourself.  There is a clear beginning, middle and end.  With mindful planning and practice - the destination can always be Pleasantville.  If the directions to relaxation are created with your child’s best learning style in mind and traveled on over and over again, voila – your child will have a well-paved relaxation map in his brain.  On the other hand, whenever a child is in a state of fear and is offered a new set of directions each time . . . well, you see where this is going. . . In fact, the frontal lobe (the part of the brain that stores the relaxation strategy) is the most difficult to reach when feeling upset unless the roads are paved like the Mass Pike. So how do we help children create their own internal navigation system?

Step 1:  Begin by figuring out how your child learns new information.  For example, does he learn visually (through pictures/written words), auditorily (through spoken language, music), or through touch (physical movement). You know your child better than anyone else, so pick the best avenue (sometimes it’s a combination of all three roads) and get ready to pave the road to peace together.

Step 2:  Create an easy to follow pathway to relaxation.  I have included one here for you.  This is one that I use over and over again with my own children.  I also practice this one on myself in front of my children (because children do as the see, right?)

Path to relaxation:
1.  Your child becomes upset (he doesn’t want to enter the classroom, he falls down, he makes a transition, he is worried about an upcoming test).

2.  Your child notices his heartbeat (fast rate). Instruct the child how to identify his heartbeat in his body by placing your hand over his hand over his heart.  Identify his heartbeat out loud and paired with the feeling: “You are feeling __________ and your heart is beating fast.”

3.  Invite your child to think of a calming color or choose a color for her. I have found blue to be most commonly chosen.

4.  Instruct and model for your child to breathe the calming color he has chosen in and out of his belly. Teach belly breathing by placing his hand on his belly and watching/feeling his belly grow as he breathes his color in and shrink as he breathes his color out.  For children who have a challenge with breath control, physically guide children to raise their arms on the inhale and lower their arms on the exhale.  Some children do well with the cue, "Smell the flower, blow out the candle." Continue this breath for 3-10 breaths.

5.  Return to the heart beat and notice it beginning to slow down. If necessary, show the child how to feel her heartbeat in her body slowing down by placing your hand over her hand over her heart.  Then identify her heartbeat out loud.  “You are safe and your heart is slowing down.”

For the Visual Learner:  Draw an illustrated story of these steps to review and practice with your child.  Make copies of it and carry it with you, hang it in the relaxation space of your home, keep it in your car, etc.

For the Tactile Learner:  Place your hand over your child’s hand on your child’s heart (notice change in heartbeat throughout calming process).  Same for belly breathing: place your hand over your child’s hand on your child’s belly.  You may also hug your child and allow her to mirror your belly breathing. Their breath will sync with your breath over time.

For the Auditory Learner:  With a soft, calm and nurturing voice, say something like:  “You’re feeling __________ (name the feeling) and your heart is beating fast.  Breath in the color blue to your belly, breathe out the color blue (make your breath audible).  “Your heartbeat is slowing down.  You are calming your self down.  You are safe and calm.”

Things to keep in mind:

• The strategies above acknowledge that your child is feeling something.  Often, as parents, we try to push a feeling away by saying things such as, “You’re okay,” “Don’t cry,” “It’s just a scratch.”  Our intentions are good—we don’t want our children to feel upset. However to be more effective and empowering, we want to encourage our children to practice identifying negative feelings in their bodies and calming themselves down as these feelings arise.  As children grow older, negative feelings can become bigger and last longer if they are not taught how to be identified and managed.

• Your relaxation path must be practiced when your child is calm in order to be successful when he is not calm (think bedtime routine or after school).  Remember the frontal lobe mentioned earlier?  Your child paves the relaxation strategy over and over again when he is calm in order to easily access it whenever he is in a state of fear.

• There is always time for a relaxation path strategy such as this one. With practice, this tool will become a part of you and your child’s life.  In time you won’t think twice about holding up the grocery line, the nurse, the doctor, or the teacher to implement this path to relaxation.

Lastly, keep it simple, keep it consistent and keep it calm.  To learn more about Elizabeth’s offerings . . . 

Staples Thinks, "It's The Most Wonderful Time of The Year!" . . . Really?

Children of all ages are days away from returning to school and many of them will be carrying more than just new backpacks. Swirling emotions surrounding teachers, homework, classroom assignments, friendships and even locker combinations- are weighing down on what I call the "emotional back pack". To make things heavier, parents attempt to "share the load" by carrying their child's bag as well as their own - yes, parents have their own backpacks filled with good intentioned yet un-serving thoughts.  Such as, "What if my child's teacher puts a halt on her creative thinking?  What if my child is bullied?  What if my child's teacher doesn't understand my son's special needs? What if my child __________?  Do you see where this list is going?  If you said, "Nowhere." - you are incorrect but not to worry, I am not passing out grades today. 

In reality, negative thoughts about school are unproven ideas about the future (aka fear) that have the power to attack one's immune system, sleeping patterns, appetite, the ability to learn and even relationships with others. That's right, negatively charged thoughts send out a "not so good vibe"  to those we love. Okay, enough with the not so positive back to school progress report. You get the lesson, right?

So how do we lighten our backpacks? The answer is yoga and meditation (I'm guessing you're not too surprised).  As scientific research reveals, when you turn inward, your breathing slows, blood pressure decreases, and stress hormone levels fall. More important, through daily practice, you and your child have the power to quiet your minds and identify your emotional backpacks as thoughts - not reality (instant freedom, right?). 

As a gift, I am sharing my favorite and most frequently used guided meditation for you to begin with your family (my yoga students love this one!) see below this post for the guided meditation.

To lighten your backpacks further, please take a look at our fall offerings and remember -  freedom is just a breath away.  

Wishing you a peaceful start to your school year!

Namaste,

Elizabeth

 

Family Guided Meditation

By:  Elizabeth Goranson 

www.stretchwhatmatters.com 

1. Create a space in your home where meditation will take place (a corner in your favorite room, a cozy closet or even under a table – yes, I have seen this work!).  I encourage you to turn the space into place of calm by adding a pillow, a special object such as a seashell from a special trip or a flame-free glowing candle.
2. Figure out the best time of the day to practice meditation (3-10 minutes).  For some it is first thing in the morning and for others it is after school, before homework or right before bed.  Whatever works, build it into your family routine just like brushing teeth – a healthy mind can get a good cleaning everyday too, right? 
3. Establish a comfortable meditation posture.  Maybe you sit in criss-cross yoga sauce pose side by side or perhaps a little one sits on your lap to share the rhythm of your breathing and heart rate.  
4. A visual timer in the beginning may be helpful for young children and may prevent them from asking, “How much longer do we have to be calm?” 
5. Begin the meditation by guiding your child with the following directions.  Be sure to perform the meditation yourself.  Children learn best by watching their caregivers.  I included modifications for individuals needing alternative directions. 

• Close your eyes (or keep them open and place your gaze on a candle or other object. 
• Notice the noises around you. To modify label the noises you hear nearby and in the distance. (4 seconds) 
• Notice your heartbeat.  To modify, place your child’s hand on his heart. (4 seconds) 
• Notice your breath. (4 seconds)  To modify, make your breathing audible for your child to hear. 
• Begin inviting your child to squeeze and relax each part of his body beginning with his feet and working up towards the crown of his head.  Modify this by physically squeezing and relaxing your child’s body as you call out parts:  squeeze your feet/relax your feet, squeeze your legs/relax your legs, squeeze your stomach/relax your stomach ect.).  I love this body scan because it gives your family members an understanding of the word “relax”. 
• End meditation here or continue with color breathing . . . 
• Think of a color that is ________ (relaxing, strong, brave, confident).  Modify this by suggesting a color.
• Breathe the color into your stomach; breathe out the color into the room (or share your color with a family member).  Modify by placing your hand on child’s stomach and feel it rise and fall or invite your child to feel your stomach rise and fall with your breathe. 
• Continue color breathing for 5-10 breaths. 
• For older children (5 and up) dedicate the time spent meditating to someone in your family. 
• Open your eyes and enjoy a peaceful hug.  Small children enjoy guessing each other’s color. 

Turn Up the Silence

I eagerly greeted my yoga student (whom I will give the name Carrie for this piece) at the door of the yoga studio.  A teenager on the autism spectrum, I hear from her parents that yoga is one of the activities she runs out of the house to attend weekly (we have this in common).

Carrie is verbal, however her expressive language is limited.  She responds well to yes/no questions and prefers verbal choices when responding to questions with multiple answers.

“Hi Carrie!”

“Hi Elizabeth.”

“It is so nice to see you Carrie!”

Carrie offers me a huge smile with a thumbs up.

Upon entering the studio, Carrie quickly takes her socks off and finds a comfortable seated position on her brightly colored-coded yoga mat.

After practicing with me for 1.5 years, Carrie knows the yoga routine by heart but still finds comfort in seeing the visual yoga schedule.  I enthusiastically pick up the clip board and say, "Let’s review the yoga schedule!”  Carrie, still smiling, nods her head yes! rapidly up and down.

1.  Check-in
2.  Breathe
3.  Sun Salutations
4.  Yoga Pose Cards
5.  Head massage, hand massage, foot massage, squeeze and relax
6.  Savasana

As a Special Educator for the past 15 years, I make strong attempts to pair visual information with verbal cues.  My intention is to strengthen my learners’ receptive and expressive language skills.  Research supports this strategy – ask any speech therapist.  Lucky for me, I love talking . . . ask anyone who knows me.  Luckily for Carrie, I realized that she no longer needed me to make my visual cues audible.

Something powerful washed over me this past Thursday while we practiced yoga together.  My verbal cues to breathe in and breathe out were gracefully silenced by Carrie’s ability to breathe deeply on her own.

I realized her breaths were long and slow.
I realized her nostrils and abdomen were opening to the song of her own life force.
I realized she was there and now so too was I.
I noticed that the colorful visual yoga system spoke to Carrie's mind and body clearly.
I noticed how hard it was for me keep quite.
I noticed how I felt like I was getting paid for doing nothing.
I noticed how Carrie’s repetitive self-talk disappeared.
I noticed when Carrie whispered “Peace” on the inhale and “Love” on the exhale during savasana -   something I had taught her but failed to hear during many of those Thursday afternoons together.

I noticed how beautiful it felt to let Carrie be herself.

Silence never felt so good.

Dedication

I was introduced to Billy Megargel in 1999.  He was a young boy with Autism and I was a young teacher with much to learn.  I began working with individuals with Autism Spectrum Disorders right out of college in 1997.  I was convinced back then that working with those with special needs was going to be part of my life's work.

Billy would change the way I interact with all individuals with special needs and for that I am eternally grateful.

Billy is nonverbal and uses an augmentative communication device to communicate with others.  Talk about judging a book by its cover . . . he let me know from day one, that his ability to navigate his way through his device far outweighed my expectations of him.   Interestingly enough, every time I raised my expectations for Billy- I learned that my bar needed to be raised again, and again, and again.  This is an interesting practice to try on yourself . . . just a thought.

Over the nine years I worked with Billy and his family, my teaching skills with all learners changed.  Billy taught me that when a child didn't understand a concept I was teaching, that teaching it a second time with a louder voice was not the answer.  Billy taught me that "individualized" means understanding how a person optimally receives and expresses information.  Billy taught me that everyone is capable of learning and growing towards greater independence every day.  He was my "wake up call" to teaching.

Billy was introduced to yoga several years ago.  Eve, Billy's Mom, a consistent practitioner of yoga and Billy's greatest advocate (right next to his Dad, Matt), believed that Billy was entitled to learning yoga.  Her intention was for her son to use yoga as a means of regulating himself.  Up until that point, Billy's request for a "break" entailed him entering a comfortable area to relax and breathe for a designated number of minutes.  As Billy grew older, Eve intuitively knew that her son needed to learn what "relax" meant.  She knew that he would benefit from something physical and organizing to his entire body - both during times of peace and stress . . . yoga seemed like the natural next step.

Billy's Mom and yoga instructor, Hannah Gould, created a sequential visual system with photographs of yoga poses that would be optimal for Billy's learning style.  Billy took to his yoga practice beautifully, and it clearly became a prefered activity for him.

For a few years, Billy's health took a very serious turn for the worse. For weeks at a time, in between hospitalizations, he would rest in his darkened bedroom.  When everything had turned upside down for Bill and his body - and all activities were taken off of his daily schedule, yoga was the one choice that  always was there for him.  Yoga was Billy's blanket of peace time and time again.

Billy's yoga practice inspired me to rethink the way I taught my learners to balance themselves.  After taking a closer look, I learned I was regulating my students as opposed to offering my students tools to regulate themselves.  It is one thing to teach someone how to request a break.  It is by far something very different to teach someone how to successfully take a break. Think about that for a moment.  How often do we tell children to take a break or a time-out without showing them them how to relax themselves?     When was the last time you allowed someone you know to feel upset and then offered them, some steps they could take to feel calm again? When was the last time you felt upset and what were the steps you took to feeling at peace with yourself and the situation?  Learning and teaching how to find that place of calm takes time - but it is worth every second.

Billy taught me that taking the time to teach myself, my students and my own children how to find internal balance - is more important than any other life skill.

Thank you Billy.

Thank you Eve for encouraging me to think outside of the box with all of my students.  Your unbelievable commitment to Billy's path as a life long learner, reminds me to always get out of my own head and into the minds and hearts of my students and my own children.

Stretch What Matters Yoga System:

Dedicated to Billy Megargel, 
my longtime student and greatest teacher.

For more about Billy's yoga journey with his amazing yoga therapist, Hannah Gould, please visit Eve's blog.

GRATEFUL

I practiced yoga today with my 4 year old son, Christian, on the first manufactured toddler mat.  When I rolled the mat out in front of him, his big brown eyes opened wide as he carefully scanned the mat.  He quickly realized his mat was different as he compared his little mat to my large mat.  He said, "My mat is NEW!"  I responded with laughter, "Yes, your mat is brand new!" Christian and I then practiced a few poses together on our mats - he loves to be the yoga teacher!

A few hours later, I sat down with my two children to eat dinner.  Before dinner in our home, we all hold hands and take turns saying one thing we are grateful for that day. My son tends to list 10 things a day but no one ever stops him.  He often is thankful for his best friend, Canyon and sometimes, if I behaved like a super hero, I make it onto my son's list.  Tonight however was special . . . Christian sat up tall in his seat and said with a smile, "I am thankful for my yoga mat because I like doing yoga with Mommy."

Launching a Dream

Just one year ago this month, I saw in my mind's eye, a yoga mat that would allow individuals with special needs to practice yoga.  I had been teaching yoga to individuals with special needs for quite some time and I often struggled with successfully cuing my students on how to transition from one pose to another.  I found myself on my students' yoga mats most of the time and this went against everything I hoped to give each of my students - independence.  If my goal was to teach people to use yoga to regulate themselves, how in the world were they going to do it on their own if I was always physically showing them what to do?

That is where THE MAT comes in.  After I saw the picture of the yoga mat in my mind (which I refer to as divine intervention), I quickly placed my then 1 year old daughter, Gracie, in her crib for the night. I instantly began sketching the yoga mat on sheets of paper using my son, Christian's, crayola crayons.  The more I drew the more I thought, this mat must already exist.  So I simply began searching for the mat online.  To tell you the truth, buying the mat last September would have been a heck of a lot easier than the road I have traveled on to bring my mat to life - but I would not give that journey up for anything.

After sharing the idea with my husband, Scott (thank God for you), I shared the idea with my mom. I asked her to sign my 'inventor's notebook' that I had started shortly after I realized the product was not available.  I recall asking her to drive with me to the paint store so that she could sit with my children in the car while I found paints that would make up the first prototype of my mat.

So here we are.  September 18, 2010.  I say 'we' because I did not do this alone.  My team of angels all showed up at just the right time and for all of them I am beyond grateful.

Stretch What Matters most to you and see what happens!

Namaste,

Elizabeth